Dear Sally,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for four and a half years. We live together, his family adores me, and we’ve been discussing a serious future together, including marriage and kids. He’s kind, intelligent, funny, and financially stable, but he’s selfish in bed.
He never starts foreplay and seems uninterested in anything sexual unless it involves penetration. From the start of our relationship, he has never been able to satisfy me. Sex feels like a race where his orgasm is the finish line, and the winner is always him. After he climaxes, the intimacy ends, leaving me frustrated and unfulfilled. I often have to finish myself off after he falls asleep.
He has no issues when I go down on him, but he rarely reciprocates. He’s only done it twice, and the second time was very brief. If I suggest it, he usually claims he’s tired.
At 32, I worry that if I end the relationship over these bedroom issues, I might lose my chance to start a family. I would have to start over, find someone new, and build a relationship from scratch, which could take years. I’m unsure what to do.
Lisa, 32, Manchester
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Dear Lisa,
Your situation reminds me of a comedy called “Don Jon” where the main character, Jon, thinks he’s great in bed until a woman straightens him out. Many men today learn about sex through porn, where foreplay is rare, and once the man climaxes, the sex is over. It’s not surprising that some men struggle to understand what women need in bed.
Addressing this issue now is important because it won’t resolve itself and isn’t a foundation for a happy marriage. It’s puzzling how your kind and generous boyfriend becomes selfish in bed. I wonder if he’s not selfish, but rather insecure. Perhaps he lacks the confidence to explore beyond basic intercourse. He might have had limited past experiences or bases his ideas of good sex on porn.
For four and a half years, you’ve hidden your dissatisfaction, which hasn’t helped either of you. He might actually be unaware of how you feel. It’s time for an honest conversation about your sex life. Frame it as something you need to work on together rather than just his problem. Express how much you love him and want to spend your life with him, but also desire to improve your intimate connection.
Consider starting the conversation outside the bedroom, perhaps during a discussion about your future together. Tell him how much it matters to you and frame this as an erotic journey for both of you. If direct conversation feels daunting, begin with a letter and follow up with a discussion.
You may also want to consider seeing a sex therapist together. This can be beneficial even if you start alone. A therapist can help you both explore and build confidence in new areas of intimacy. If your boyfriend is too resistant and refuses to engage in change, then you might need to reconsider the relationship.
It’s crucial not to rush decisions about starting a family while you sort this out. You deserve both a fulfilling sex life and the chance to have kids. It’s up to you to be brave and initiate these changes.
Sally Brown