Talking about sex can be awkward, which is why many of us avoid it. However, discussing it can actually help bring more intimacy into your relationship, says Cate Campbell, author of “The Relate Guide to Sex and Intimacy.”
If you and your partner struggle to talk about sex or feelings in general, try using an exercise book. Write your requests to your partner on one page, and their responses on the opposite page. Make sure responses start with ‘I will’ to keep things positive. For instance, responses can be ‘I will think about that’ or ‘I will discuss that with you tonight,’ promoting communication rather than rejection.
Place the book where you both can easily access it and check it daily. This way, you can bring up concerns and ensure they are addressed.
Showing appreciation for little things your partner does, like making dinner or offering support, can foster closeness and spark intimacy.
Avoid starting sentences with ‘you,’ which can sound blaming. Instead, use ‘I feel’ to express your feelings without provoking an argument. For example, say ‘I feel upset when you don’t call me back’ rather than ‘You don’t call me back.’
Reminiscing about early memories and what attracted you to each other can help restore sexual connection. Including your children in positive stories about your relationship is also beneficial. When alone, these memories can rekindle past feelings and possibly inspire new acts of intimacy.
Discussing and handling refusals of sex can prevent future tension. Offer or accept refusals with a hug and a simple explanation, instead of pushing each other away.
Consider how you both deal with silence in your relationship. Different interpretations of silence can lead to misunderstandings. Talk about what silence means to each of you to gain better understanding and improve communication.
Choose the right moment to discuss important issues, ensuring you’re both relaxed and prepared for the conversation.
Clear, direct requests are more effective than indirect approaches. For example, say ‘I would like us to go to my sister’s party on Saturday’ rather than ‘What are you planning for Saturday?’
Try to keep difficult conversations short. Aim for under 20 minutes to avoid frustration and ensure clarity. If issues remain unresolved, plan another talk instead of dragging the conversation on.
Date nights are great for reconnecting, but keep expectations realistic and focus on enjoyment. During sex, minimize distractions like phones or pets. Gather everything you might need, like contraceptives or sex toys, beforehand to avoid interruptions.
After sex, spend a few minutes cuddling or kissing to reinforce the positive experience and show you value the time together.
Remember, different backgrounds mean you and your partner might have varied feelings about intimacy. Be sensitive and open about your preferences and experiences.
Gender expectations can influence how you approach sex. Talk about these roles and how they affect your relationship. Embrace the sex life you both want, free from traditional gender roles.
Don’t assume your partner knows what you want. Communicate your needs clearly to avoid misunderstandings. If discussing sexual needs feels uncomfortable, start with non-sexual favors and build from there.
Maintain curiosity about your partner’s needs and don’t hesitate to explore new experiences together. Address concerns promptly to avoid sexual stagnation.
Try non-sexual touches like caressing with fingertips or lips. This can increase intimacy without the pressure of sexual activity. Experiment with different types of touch and notice how it feels for both of you.
While spontaneous sex is appealing, it’s not always practical. Plan time for intimacy if necessary and consider taking a break from sex to focus on kisses and cuddles, which can improve your overall relationship.
Be aware of body insecurities and what makes your partner feel comfortable. Respect their preferences, like having the lights off or staying partially clothed, to help them relax during intimacy.
Cherish acts of intimacy such as eye contact, soft touches, and stolen kisses. These small gestures are significant expressions of sexuality. Enjoy them for their own sake, without expecting them to lead to sex. This removes pressure and allows you both to savor these moments.
Enjoy these intimate acts for the connection they bring rather than seeing them as just a prelude to sex.