Lisa reached out to Sally in the “Ask Sally” column, expressing dissatisfaction with her sex life. She mentioned her boyfriend, who she has been with for four and a half years, is wonderful in many ways—loving, funny, intelligent, and financially stable. However, she finds him to be selfish in bed, never initiating foreplay or showing interest in sexual activities beyond penetration. Lisa explained that she struggles to reach orgasm through penetrative sex alone, often feeling frustrated and unsatisfied after their encounters.
Despite her attempts to discuss the issue with him, he gets offended and defensive, making any productive conversation difficult. Lisa is concerned that breaking up over this problem might mean missing her chance to start a family, given her age. She feels conflicted and unsure about what to do next, as the rest of their relationship seems perfect.
Sally suggests that the boyfriend might not be selfish but rather insecure about his sexual abilities. She speculates that he may lack confidence and might have learned about sex primarily through unrealistic portrayals in pornography. Sally advises Lisa to address this issue openly but sensitively, framing it as an opportunity to improve their relationship rather than a criticism of his performance.
Sally recommends having this important conversation outside the bedroom, expressing her love and desire to make their relationship as fulfilling as possible. She also suggests considering therapy sessions with a sex therapist, which could help both partners explore and improve their sexual connection slowly and safely.
If the boyfriend is resistant to change or refuses to acknowledge the issue, Sally advises Lisa to be honest about her dissatisfaction. Ultimately, Lisa needs to decide if she can continue in a relationship where her sexual needs are unmet, even if everything else seems ideal. Sally emphasizes that Lisa deserves both a loving relationship and a satisfying sex life, encouraging her to be brave and take steps toward achieving both.