Lisa, 32, reached out to Sally in the Ask Sally column about her dissatisfaction with her boyfriend’s performance in bed. Despite being kind, funny, and financially stable, he is inconsiderate during sex, rarely initiating foreplay and focusing only on penetration. Lisa has never fully enjoyed sex with him, and she feels it’s like a race where only he wins, leaving her frustrated and unsatisfied. She often has to finish herself off after he falls asleep.
Lisa has tried discussing the issue with him, but it resulted in an argument. Over time, she stopped bringing it up, even though it still bothers her. She’s worried about her biological clock and the possibility of starting over if she ends the relationship over these sexual issues.
Sally’s advice highlights the importance of addressing these problems now, as they won’t resolve on their own and could impact their future together. She suggests that perhaps Lisa’s boyfriend isn’t selfish but insecure in bed, possibly lacking confidence in his technique and knowledge of what pleases women. Sally recommends having an honest conversation, framing it as a mutual problem to solve together rather than solely his issue.
Sally also advises considering sessions with a sex therapist to improve their intimacy. If he’s resistant, Lisa should focus on how much it means to her and proceed alone if necessary. The therapist can guide them through exercises to build confidence and explore new ways to connect sexually.
If he refuses to change, Lisa needs to weigh her options, deciding if she wants to stay with someone unwilling to address a significant issue affecting their relationship. Sally stresses that Lisa shouldn’t feel forced to choose between having a family and a fulfilling sex life—she deserves both. It will require bravery to tackle this situation, but it’s essential for her happiness.